When You're a Victim of Sex Abuse: The Long-term Consequences of Childhood Sexual Abuse

If you’re a survivor of child abuse, you may not experience all of the following emotional and psychological effects. However, experts say that most people who were sexually molested as children will experience at least one of these long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse.

Emotional Effects of Sexual Abuse

Feelings of emotional distress are common when you’re a victim of child sex abuse. “The burden of feeling at fault combined with minimal support over many years almost always leads to emotional problems for the victim,” writes Roger Hock in Human Sexuality.

Anger toward yourself, the abuser, or another adult who should have noticed and stopped the abuse, but did not. Survivors of sex abuse may be angry for years or decades.

Self-hatred due to feelings of blame, shame, and low self-worth. Victims of child sex abuse may feel that they’re less worthy or less valuable.

Self-blame for “tempting” the abuser, especially if he/she is a respected or loved family member or friend of the family.

Isolation from “normal” people. Victims of child sex abuse may feel unworthy of love or intimacy when they’re adults, which can lead to intimate relationship problems.

If you were sexually molested as a child – or if the abuse is ongoing – an important first step is to tell as many people as you feel comfortable telling. If one doesn’t believe you, keep telling until someone does. Talking to a counselor or psychologist will help you deal with the emotional effects of sexual abuse.

Psychological Effects of Sexual Abuse

“The trauma of childhood sexual abuse leaves long-lasting psychological scars years and decades after the abuse has ended. Childhood sexual abuse, like rape, robs victims of their personal power and sense of control over their lives and their bodies,” writes Roger Hock in Human Sexuality.

Dissociation involves blocking out awareness and memory, such as daydreams, loss of awareness for blocks of time, or even the development of multiple personalities.

Anxiety, panic, or phobic disorders may stem from the sexual abuse itself or from the fear that the sexual molestation will be discovered. Some survivors of child sexual abuse prefer to keep the activities secret (especially if the abuser pressured the victim to keep it quiet).

Abuse of drugs or alcohol may occur, because they help deaden the feelings of guilt, self-hatred, shame, or self-blame.

Post-traumatic stress disorder resulting in flashbacks or the avoidance of certain places or things related to the childhood sexual molestation. Difficulty concentrating, insomnia, or hyper-vigilance are symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Suicidal behavior may be a psychological consequence of childhood sexual abuse.

“When we feel powerless and unable to control our own destinies, we invariably suffer from a wide range of psychological disorders – most notably, depression,” writes Hock in Human Sexuality. “Adding to the depression stemming from the powerlessness is the sadness victims often experience over the loss of innocence and the loss of trust once held for the adult responsible for the violation.”

If you’re a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, you don’t have to deal with these long-term consequences of childhood sexual abuse indefinitely. Getting help – even if it’s from a wise friend, pastor at your church, or informal support group – is the best way to overcome the emotional distress.

Source: Human Sexuality by Roger Hock – a reader-friendly textbook full of resources and practical information.

Sep 15, 2008 2:02 PM

Guest :

Thanks for posting this info. I experienced sexual abuse as a child at the hand of 3 of my older brothers, and the only thing that bothers me now as an adult, is that I can't remember anything from my childhood. When my family gets together and talks about the past, I don't remember much. It is very frustrating. I don't seem to be able to remember even things from a few years ago. Very bad long term and short term memory.

Oct 16, 2008 4:15 PM

Guest :

Hello,

I can't even begin to explain the devastating effects of being sexually abused as a very young child on numerous occasions by close-by neighbors and a psychotic father.

I have major claustraphobia, am extremely neurotic, have almost no close relationships with people, am an alcoholic, hate authority figures and this is just to name a few.

Most people who have never been sexually abused just tell you to "get over it", including my daughter withwhom I'm estranged from. I was an extremely over protective mom, so to my knowledge, she was never sexually abused.

One thing I must mention is I never felt to blame or enjoyed any of this abuse like I have read of some of the victims of this horrible crime.

My life is hell on earth.

Oct 17, 2008 5:35 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm very sorry for you - the imapct of your child abuse sounds terrible. Child abuse isn't something you just get over, and I don't think many people enjoy being abused.

I hope you can somehow find a way to live a good, happy life -- the one you deserve.

- Laurie

Nov 16, 2008 11:48 AM

Guest :

i am a victim myself and i thank you for writing this article. I have never talked to any therapist about this, but after over a decade after the experience, I was able to tell my bestfriend about it. It felt a little liberating and I have met other people who have experienced harsher things than I have and one suggestion they gave me is to write a letter to the abuser(I couldnt talk to him coz if i did, i would cry and I dont want to cry in front of him). So, that's what Im doing now, I have written the letter to my mother's son. I really can't call him my brother coz how can he do that to his own sister. I haven't told my mom coz i fear she won't believe me. He was an achiever, he gets awards in schools , at work, he got promoted fast. My mom looks up to him and if I told her and she didn't believe, that's more than I can take. Until now, she doesn't know about it. I also don't want to break her heart but I need to heal from this. I still dont understand myself, and I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I lost my self-confidence and I didnt really strive for anything during my school days and now I don't know where I am going with my life. I have lots of anger in me and I know that i should see a psychiatrist about this when I have the means to do so. I just hope that I'll have the courage to face everyone when I finally decided to let this thing come out in the open. I fear being judged by people, I have lots of fears on what's going to happen, but I just pray and hope that I can survive all this.

Nov 27, 2008 11:14 AM

Guest :

someone tell me what to do..i was molested for i dont even know how many years by my brother he was 3 years older...and by my father i believe only once, my family somehow has made me out to be this crazy person amongst all of them (there are 7 kids) They all call me a liar and a thief, which I do believe i have become somewhat of a liar just to hide things but im not a thief - i have 3 wonderful children, whom i have separated myself from. my family says that i dont deserve them - i have turned to drugs off and on and gambling? why does this take the pain away? i have to say iam smart i have a great job and if i decide to move on can always aquire a even better job, but i always seem to mess it up somehow - and dont really care! i just figure i will move to the next place - someone tell me why this is? i think about suicide alot? On the outside I look completely normal, but on the inside im a mess and i dont know what to do about it! its getting worse as i get older??? please help if you can!

Nov 28, 2008 6:34 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. That's awful and sad, and it should never have happened.

It may have soured your childhood, but don't let it wreck your adulthood! It's time to take your power and control back -- and drugs and gambling definitely don't empower you. If I were you, I'd distance myself from family members who are negative and destructive. I'd find out why I'm so drawn to drugs and gambling (they destract you from your real pain), and I'd get my kids back.

Taking control of your life takes guts, organization, and support from GOOD people....and it'll give you a whole new future to look forward to! And, if you're empowered and happy in your life, you'll be less likely to think about suicide.

Get good help, friend. Sit down and figure out exactly what you want your life to look like in 6 months or a year from now, and then make a list of the baby steps that will take you there.

Dec 4, 2008 7:33 PM

Guest :

Will it ever just go away where I don't relive it every day of my life? Will I ever just go through a day and something not remind me of my 4 years I survived his abuse? Will I ever be free? How could my life be destroyed in a single second and everything I thought I knew be so confusing? Why me? And its been 14 years since I broke free but I'm still broken.

Dec 6, 2008 4:07 PM

Guest :

When I was abused, I didn't know what to do. My life was already being turned upsid down because I was now living with my dad and I wanted my mom all the time. I moved into his family, a step mom, step brother, and a step sister. I didn't want to be their and my step mom hated me as much as I hated her. I don't remember when it began, or when it finished, or even how many times it happened. When my step brother started to touch me, I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing. Everyone liked him. He was tall, not bad looking, and excelled in sports. Everybody liked him and I was just a shadow in the background. One time I told my step sister that I had seen him naked. She told my dad and my step mom. They talked to him and he called me a liar and they called me a liar. Later I moved to my grand parents and then back to my moms. I told my best friend one night when we were playing truth or dare. She told me to tell my mom and I did. Know I feel like no one understands me and that I'm all alone. I'm not close to anyone any more and I feel as if I'm climbing up a mountian with a hundred pounds on my back and I'm about to fall. I want to move somewhere else far away, to escape. Then I feel cowardly, like I should be able to handle this on my own, but I'm failing. I understand that its not my fault, but I don't feel that way. I'd like to thank you for posting this artical and everyone else who posted their story. It makes me feel that I'm not alone out there. Thanks.

Dec 23, 2008 10:26 PM

Guest :

Guest:
I have been trying to overcome my experience of sexual abuse since I can remember. My father started molesting me when I was 5 and then when I was 11 my brother started and at the age of 13 my cousin started. There have been so many times that I have looked to suicide to end the horrible images I experience every single day. I thought that by being a good person and having a great job and taking very good care of my children and having a 10 marriage would have helped; however I have fought with this for over 20 years now and I am still struggling more and more every day. I wish there was a way to just get rid of the anger and worthlessness I feel everyday towards myself. I am very good at a lot of things but I can never see it. I only see the negative things and look for something bad to happen. I have attempted suicide many times but never went far enough to really hurt myself and the one thing I would love to figure out is how to get rid of the feelings and images (as if I was still there) that I live with everyday of my life. If anyone has an ideas I would love to hear them.

Dec 28, 2008 6:04 PM

Guest :

Guess:
Hi,
I was 6 or 7 when I was sexually molested by my unckle who was 23. I dont understand why I never told anybody about this till a few yrs ago, that is something that I would like to know. Maybe cuz according to the fam. he was the best, everybody looked up to him. When I told my mother she told his brother, but he did not believe it. He thinks Im a liar. When he used to visit us, (I was a child) I did not want to shake his hand or give him a hug, but I was forced by my parents and the rest of my relatives. Everybody thought of me like the girl with the worse attitude and rude. Even though out of the whole fam I am the only one that finished a career and succeded in life I feel like my unckles look at me like a sex object, and very low. It´s been more than 20 yrs and it is getting worse, I thought I had overcome this, but one of my aunts just asked me cuz she just found out, and now it feels like it happened yesterday. They just tell me "you need to try to get it over with" they dont understand..But after reading these comments, I know Im not alone and feel like somebody understands me... The way it also affected me, I cannot have a good relationship with my father, I can´t even get close to him and give him a hug. I can´t be by myself in a place with any other older men, even though they are good people. I just hate feeling like this and I want this to end. I would like to form a family and have kids, but I am afraid this will affect this. I dont know what to do...

Thanks

Dec 29, 2008 7:36 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

You're definitely not alone -- and the best way to learn how your sexual abuse could affect your relationships is to get counseling. It's not possible for me to guide you in a forum like this, and the best way to develop healthy relationships is to reach out to a professional in person.

You sound like you're self-aware, which is great! You may know why you didn't tell anyone about your cousin - and I think you're right. If everyone looks up to him, it'd be awfully hard to say what he did.

Please do get help, so you don't let him keep disrupting or even destroying your life!

Take care, and be brave.

Laurie

Jan 3, 2009 10:42 PM

Guest :

I was molested by my biological father when i was 4 and it ended when i was 12. i never found the courage to tell anyone about it...he said he would take away my family if i said anything he was very big and scary. I was lucky that one day when i was 12 my mom happened to walk in...it was horribly embarrasing and very scary. the next day my called the police and he was sent to prison. It has been 2 years now i am 14 and am still haunted everyday by the constant reminders of what he did to me. Everyone around me are saying things like "sex", and "vagina" all this does is remind of the past. Even songs and objects constintly remind me of the past. i am doing better now but the full brunt of symtoms have finally hit me...i flinch at every person who walks by me even when i see one of my friends walking towards me when they touch me i jump. i do not like to go anywhere alone i am always by my mothers side im affraid that someone will grad me and do to me the same that my dad did...i hope the terror goes away soon i can only have faith for so long...

Jan 8, 2009 9:45 PM

Guest :

The sexual abuse that I experienced began when I was five years old. It was a older neighbor boy. I tried to tell my Mom and Dad, when they found out I got beat with a belt. The abuse continued until I was twelve. I was so afraid to tell anyone. When I was thirteen my I spent the night at my cousins house and woke up in the middle of the night to him molesting me. I was so ashamed. I stayed away from him as much as possible. I was forced to spend the night at my Grandmothers with him and my other siblings and that night he struck again while I was sleeping. I had to hide. I had to act like it never happened. I had to deal with him all through my growing up years. I fell apart and my parents never questioned it. I quit going to school and I kind of checked out of life for a while. I had to block it out for a long time. It did not happen again but I never did forget it. I have lived my life with horrible secrets. My family just does not know why I will not contact my cousin. He is sick now. I just sent a letter to my Mom and explained the abuse. I am afraid she will not believe me. I am now forty five years old. I just felt like I could not live with this secret any longer. I cry for no reason at all. I wonder now if I did the right thing. She has not called me since getting the letter. I feel like a weight has been lifted but at the same time feel so afraid of my Mom not believing me. I have decided that I have to get well. I have three teenagers and they deserve a healthy Mom. I too was so over protective of my kids and I prayed everyday that they would never get molested. I am still worried about the judgement of my Mom.
Marie

Jan 12, 2009 11:50 AM

Guest :

Hello,
I was abused sexually as a child by my father. I have had a series of bad relationships where I have allowed myself to be abused. In my third marriage my husband demanded sex every night leaving me feeling used. Out of desperation to have a change I had a meaningless affair and told him about it the next day. He said he was divorcing me and I would never see my children again. He got over it quickly the next day when he saw his opportunity to abuse me. I had to have sex on demand sometimes several times a day, he walked around town looking at women and commenting to me all the time who he might decide to have an affair with since I was a whore. He even ordered a woman to our hotel room when we were on a business trip to Las Vegas. Luckily he didn't like her and sent her away like a piece of meat. I was so depressed, so ashamed, I felt like nothing. I quit wearing clothes for a couple of months around the house. No one said anything about it except one neighbor who said it would make my daughters lesbians if I didn't put clothes on. No one saw my pain. I couldn't tell them what I was feeling I was too ashamed and felt I deserved this punishment. My husband said he wouldn't quit until he "f'd" the guy out of me. I finally got the courage to say no. The ex-husband ended up raping me several years later and I divorced him. Why did I stop wearing clothes? I look back on it now that I am happy with a loving husband and wonder about that. It seems so weird to do that.

Jan 18, 2009 12:17 PM

Guest :

I was 12 when I was placed into a treatment center for help with severe neck and head twitching (medical causes had been ruled out). It was suggested by the Dr.'s that my problem was psychological and I might benefit from treatment by a child-psychiatrist. I was taken to see one, and after several office visits, he told my mom that he needed me in a closed environment where he could monitor my behavior and social interactions via staff and the other patients. I was supposed to be there for 2 weeks. My mom was told that he needed to observe me for a minimum of 2 weeks to see if I had any underlying problems that would help determine the reason/reasons for my neck & head twitches. (they were so bad at times that I would fall down and I looked like I was having a seizure. My dad had a type of cancer which attacked his bone marrow. While I was under the child-psychiatrist's care, my parents heard about a specialist in New York that had shown promising results in treating cancers and off they flew to get my dad checked out. (didn't pan out). Before they left, my mom asked the Doc if he could watch me for an additional week and if so, to be sure to tell me that she and my dad would be back to take me home as soon as they returned. She told the Doc that they would be back within 2 weeks. He agreed. The day I was to leave, he told me my mom & dad had decided to leave me in the Doc's care because I was no longer loved and wanted at home because of the troubles I caused. I got upset, threw a tantrum demanding to see my parents and got tackled to the floor and injected with what turned out to be Thorazine. When I woke up, I was being sexually molested by two of the male patients. I remained in that place until I was 15 yrs old. During my stay, I was repeatedly sodomized and eventually I grew to accept it. It was later (after I was released) when We (my parents and I) were told by police that the Dr. had been arrested and charged with several counts of producing child pornography (in which I was a regular in almost half of the films) that my parents decided to take me for follow-up counselling. During counselling, it was discovered that the child-psychiatrist had placed a subconscious suggestion that caused me to instantly go to sleep if I got close enough during treatment to recall the times I was filmed. It took many lonely years to figure out that love is not another word for sex. I've tried getting help but all I get is medication and visits with a psychiatrist.

Jan 24, 2009 9:05 AM

cindy22sunny :

Hi,
I got so emotional after reading all of these comments below. I am 44 years old and I, as a deaf person used to have poor social skills, was sexually abused by my cousin when I was 13 or 14 years old. He was a few months younger than me. I did struggle, resisted his motives, I didn't know how to yell "HELP!" while my parents, aunt, brother, sister, other cousins were downstairs!! After he violated my personal space, I was numb and bottled up. My parents never had a good conversation with me about how I am doing in my life. They were always busy, busy, busy. Anything good or bad that happened to me were always bottled up inside me. This cousin spent 2 summers with us and he continued to molest me until I was about 15. My relationship with other guys have been a problem ever since. My caring, loving husband is trying to help me out. Now, this summer my parents will have their 50th year anniversary party and all of the relatives including that cousin will be there. How do I tell them? Should I send letters to my parents, siblings, aunts, uncle, cousins about this whole ordeal? My friend who majored in victimology said that I got breast cancer in 2003 because I bottled up too long. Please help me deal with this before the June 2009 anniversary party.
Thanks a million!
C.H.1.24.09

Jan 24, 2009 11:22 PM

Guest :

Thank you so much for posting this information. I was sexually abused by my father from a very young age to the age of 17, when I joined the military. I also have very little memory of my childhood. I am very angry at my parents, father for molesting me and my mother for not stopping it. I am an alcoholic and have an eating disorder. If it were not for my wonderful husband, I don't know what I would do.

Feb 6, 2009 1:28 AM

Guest :

hi i am 18years old i experienced sexual abuse when i was a little girl. and it hurt more because it was my real dad.i do remember what happened but other things of my childhood i don't remember. none of my family member know only my best friend. but it hurt when i remember but what most hurts me is that i don't now whats wrong with me i do think i have some effect of what happened but i like to have sex a lot with different people after that happened i cry because i remember. i don't trust man when i have a man next to me i think that he is next to me to hurt me. i sometimes what to tell my mom because my mom think that my dad only wanet to sexual abuse me but what she doesnt know is that he did. my mom divorce of my dad for the same reason. i am scare to tell my mom because it happened along time ago & she was trying to protect me in the end.am scare that she is going to get mad of me because i did not tell her in the beginning. i do want to get help but i don't now were to look for

Feb 6, 2009 7:33 AM

Guest :

To the 18 year old how left a comment on Feb.6, 2008 and to everyone else. Most of us dream about our mom trying to protect us the way your mom tried. It will be upsetting to her but you will find support from your mother. Tell her and live your life to the fullest. We all have something to offer in this life. Weather it is being protective loving mothers, councellers, or the one to recongnize abuse. Speaking out not only lifts the weight off your shoulders but it lets family members, friends, and the law know who is the criminal. If family can't be supportive then surround your self with people who are. You didn't have power when you were molested but you have power now. Take control of your life back away from these monsters. Your life has meaning!

Feb 26, 2009 9:38 AM

Guest :

Hello,
Im 23 years old, and I was sexually molested by my older brother who's 10 years older than me. It started when I was about 7 and ended when I was about 9 or 10. It would always happen when I was asleep, and I would wake up because I felt someone touching me down below, and when he realized I was waking up, he would run quickly out of the room. I have never told ANYBODY. Not even because I felt no one would believe me, but because I actually felt it was no big deal, and that he was drunk, and that he didn't know what he was doing. I actually had completely put it out of mind after it stopped. It wasn't until about two years ago when I lost my virginity, and that's when I realized that it still had an effect on me. It became fresh on my mind. It's two years later, and I believe I have sexuality development issues. Doing certain things that would be considered normal in the bedroom, it makes me feel dirty. I think I need to talk to a psychiatrist about this. I'm afraid to tell anyone in my family, because I don't want to ruin my brother's life after all these years. Should I feel this way? I don't know what to do.

Feb 26, 2009 9:58 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm very sorry for you, but I admire your courage in speaking out! You're strong person, and you will overcome this. And, it's very common for people to not realizing they're still dealing with the consequences of abuse until years later, when they have kids or get married or become physically intimate. So the good news is, you're normal!

Yes, it would help you to talk to a counselor. Whether you need a psychiatrist is a whole different question -- they generally prescribe medications for disorders such as bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, etc. Unless you have a medical condition, I'd suggest seeing a counselor before a psychiatrist -- but I don't know you or your situation, so you need to do what you feel is right!

But, do talk to someone about it. You deserve a normal, healthy physical and emotional relationship with your partner -- and sometimes the only way to achieve that is with a professional's help. Just like getting help with a cold, or appendicitis, or your taxes.....well of course getting help with emotional issues is much harder, but do you see what I mean? Sometimes we need people to help us with life, especially when they know more about particular things.

Talk to your counselor about if and how you should tell your family.

I think your counselor will help you with the thought that you're ruining your brother's life if you tell. For one thing, it's not YOUR fault that he did that. YOU will not be ruining his life -- that's something that he's done already (even if people aren't aware he abused you). For another thing, HE NEEDS HELP. And if he has kids or is around kids, he's a danger to them.

What if he's abused other people, and they don't want to speak up either? That leaves him free to keep hurting people.

Again, I'm sorry he did that to you, and I admire your courage. Talk to a counselor - find one you like and trust - and work with her or him to figure out how to heal.

Warm wishes,
Laurie

Mar 29, 2009 5:25 PM

Guest :

I was sexually abused when I was 10 by my cousin. I'm 19 now and I never really understood what happened to me until 2 years ago. I was watching a documentary about kids talking about how they were abused and raped and I thought "thankfully that didn't happen to me", but as I kept watching, I related to some of the children. The memories flooded in and I realized that yes I was abused. I guess I never saw it as that because it wasn't rape, there was no kind of penetration (since it was a girl), and I had said yes at first. That's why I always thought it was my fault. I was very curious about anything sexual at such a young age. When my cousin told me about what her friends had done to see what it felt like to touch each other, I said yes. But after I really thought about it, I backed out and she told me I had to do what she said or she would tell the family that I tried doing these things to her. So I went along with it and was deeply disturbed by the incident for the next few years.

I just recently talked about it with a friend of mine and realized that it had affected me in ways I never thought about. I finally understood why I acted the way I did. I messed around with many guys in high school(although I never had sex), I have major problems committing to a relationship and being satisfied with one guy for longer than a few months, and I don't like women touching me, not even my mom.

I'm actually scared that I'm going to ruin the relationship I'm in now. I pray I don't because this guy is actually helping me see that I can have a pure and guilt free relationship with a man. It's been 3 months, and he's the only guy I've dated for this long who doesn't expect anything sexual from me.

I've forgiven my cousin for what happened, but of course the memories still linger. I wish I could just tear down the walls and let myself commit to someone, but it's hard when you don't trust anyone.

Apr 4, 2009 9:52 PM

Guest :

How do you deal with the separation of your self. I feel like only parts of me exist. I am married and am too afraid to have sex. The bad things happened when I was a child and I was raped when I was older. I just want to be a normal wife to my husband. I cringe when he touches me. I am in counseling and I know it is a process, but how long can the world wait for me The more I get into counseling, the more it is noticeable with my husband how much I recoil from his touches. I am afraid to get pregnant, whoever heard of a 38 year old on birth control who had been on birth control for 20+ years? We have been married for 10 and together total 13 years.....what a insane life. No intimacy for over a year......any ideas?

Apr 5, 2009 8:51 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm sorry that it happened to you - and I wish I could tell you when you'll be healthy and whole again!

You're doing a very important thing by walking through the healing process. What happened to you was horrible, and very hard on a person's psyche -- which is why it takes so long to heal.

I don't know how you feel about your counselor or how long you've been seeing him/her, but it's important to evaluate your relationship. Are you making progress? Comfortable with him/her? Bringing your partner into the sessions? I'm not telling you to get a new counselor....I'm just asking you to consider that aspect of the healing process.

Perhaps you should consider couples counseling, in addition to your own counseling. Or, join a support group for survivors of abuse. It's often very helpful to hear how others have survived and are coping with abuse. Just knowing that other people have suffered and survived - and learning how they did it - can help in your own journey.

Also - have you read any books about healing from abuse? The stories in those books are often extremely helpful. You don't have to buy a stack of books, just go to your library.

Unfortunately, there's not a "once size fits all" answer. Keep trying new things, and stick with the things that seem to be helping....and eventually you'll be able to put the past behind you, and enjoy a new, healthy, exciting relationship with your partner!

Warm wishes,
Laurie

May 4, 2009 12:11 PM

Guest :

hey i am writing a report on child abused and i just wondering how badly does it affect the brain n the abuse

May 31, 2009 1:49 PM

Guest :

It was my fault I got what I disereved to ashamed to look him in the eyes.
Sorry can't talk about it

Jun 22, 2009 12:30 AM

Guest :

hi,
i dont know who to emplain but iv been a abused ever way there is to being used as a punching back to being molested to emotion and metal abuse i was 14 when i had to go trew the third divorces by 15 i was using drugs na d cutting at 16 my life really feel apart when the person i thought loved me and was like a father to me molested me in my owne home omce again i was using drugs and cutting i lived with him in my house for a year due to the fact that after 8months of keeping it in when i finallt told my mom she did nothing about it and allowed him to keep staying he abused me in everway there is im 17 now and still sry my self to sleep i have crazy and devastating nightmares about him im scared to get a job anywere thats very public im allways scared to death to leave my house and due tothe fact that i think he is every where iv been clean for about 9moths and have not cut in about 4 but i feel so lost and like i have no control over my life cause of him and im worried i might go back to drugs and cutting iv tryed everthing i can to deal with the pain and it dosnt work and im sick and tried of vrying myself to sleep ever night i need help but i cant even turn to my own family what should i do?
bella

Jun 22, 2009 5:36 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm so sorry you've suffered so much physical and emotional abuse in your life -- you've definitely had more than your "fair share"! Thanks for your courage and honesty here.

You're a survivor! You've come so far, and aren't succumbing to drugs or other addictions to numb the pain -- and now, you need support. Nobody succeeds alone, no matter if they're the President of the United States or a student at high school. We need to people to help us get where we want and stay safe and enjoy succcess......and we especially need people when we've been a victim of abuse.

Bella, you need to find people who can help pull you up. Think of anyone in your life who you respect and admire -- and who treats you well. Family members, friends, teachers, guidance counselors, distress line volunteers, abuse counselors -- there ARE ways to pull yourself up and out, but you have to reach out to those people. You also have to be open to making changes in your life, and ready to do things that aren't easy (such as facing your pain, and working through it).

So -- who can you reach out to? Who will be your support system? Who can help you save yourself??

Laurie

Jun 30, 2009 12:51 PM

Guest :

When I was younger My sisters husband would feel and touch my thigh when he thought I was asleep. One time I slept over and tried to stay awake because I knew he was in the living room. I feel asleep and woke to his hand on on crotch. He tried to play it off. I did tell my mom, but my sister wasn't told till years later when there was an argument with her husband. To this day I don't know the extent of what my sister was told, as she stayed with him. My concern now is that I have a neice that is 30something, due to certain behavior I think that he may have done something to her(his daughter). What should I do? Should I ask her? Also was I sexual molested, or was it groping? Please help?

Jul 1, 2009 5:42 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm sorry that happened to you -- and yes, you were molested (groping is abuse!). It's scary and emotionally damaging.

I suggest calling a distress or support line for help. Normally, I'd say "Yes, you should talk about it, because the more you air your pain and secrets, the less destructive they are" -- but every situation is different! For instance, what you should tell your niece depends on her behaviors and your relationship with her.

I definitely recommend letting her know that you're there for her. If she ever needs anyone to talk to or confide in, you'll do the best you can to help her. Remember to let silence do it's job. That is, if there's a pause in conversation, don't rush to fill it in with words. Give her a chance to share herself.

Not talking about things like this leads to barriers in relationships. I don't know how you are with your sister, but I'd think that talking to her -- even now, after it's "over" -- would be good.

So, I suggest getting in-person support, whether it's through a counselor, a pastor, a distress line, or even a trusted, wise friend or family member. A counselor might be especially valuable, as she or he can help you sort through all the nuances and figure out how to proceed!

Good luck -- please do let me know how it goes.

Laurie

Jul 12, 2009 6:15 AM

Guest :

dear Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen;
i been married for 20 years. my wife is everything to me.since weve been dating 25 years ago weve been battling her sex abuse from ages ? to 12.
it ended after a court case and her moving to her dads world. mom's boyfreind (s)? were the offenders. ive been a patient, loving, understanding,and a frustrated man more than any other could be, i think??. we just entered counseling together but fear we wont make it thought. our marriage is started to unravel because of things she's now revealing. not about the abuse (im in the dark on that) except for guesses. but because of her telling me she's only mutt-ling through our sex life. so the times i thought we were making improvements towards normal sex were real only set backs,because of i guess shame and despair (again guessing). i want to continue with being the man in her life, but i want her to have all that life has to offer including but not limited to a health libeto,flirting,foreplay and romance. instead we have none of that cause she doesn't need me or anything. she's callis and reserved. she love's me but cant stand to have sex more than once in a blue moon and if i need more (and i do) im an a-hole or something. i don't want to keep letting her be a victim which now includes me. having her pull away, making me feel unwanted is taking it toll. I like sex, i like all of it. she dose too i can feel it and see it in her eyes, but the fences i have to cross are wearing me out. we have 4 kids that are teens (except we lost brooklynn to cancer)and its time we got to be a couple again. only the last 25 years have added scars to all of it. i hope she stays in counseling and we can make some improvements. i could have a meaning less sexual life with someone else but i want her to be my girl, my partner in and out of the bedroom. why cant i fix this or get through to her that's she could enjoy sex most the time instead of hiding under a pillow, not kissing me or not participating most of the time.she convinced im to focused on it. which i probably am (but thirty men think of water)but she is now convinced that a real man in love could roll with it and love would conker all.....bs. why doesn't her love conker all then??? or has it?
signed frustrated and lonely

Jul 13, 2009 9:20 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I've responded to your comment and question in my Psychology Blog.

Just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "How Do I Convince My Wife to Increase Our Intimacy Levels?"

I hope it helps -- though there are certainly no easy answers. I'm sorry this happened to her, and that is has such long-lasting effects.

Laurie

Jul 20, 2009 7:20 PM

Guest :

I was molested by my THEN step dad at the age of 13. He has always been in the family, many things have happened over the years concerning him trying to do things to me. He has physically done stuff to me I never confronted him just always ran from the situation. I am now 46 years old and 10 years ago he married my moms sister. My mom knows everything and has always told me to keep my mouth shut as not to hurt or upset my aunt. I finally told my aunt a couple weeks ago along with making a police report, he has molsted my neice and my cousins daughter as well. ( His wife's grandaughter)My mom will not detach from them because they do alot for her, ie, buy her things visit her etc. He called me an left a voice message after I told his wife, my aunt and said, he does not remember touching my vagina but if he did, he is sorry. In the message he said he was sorry 3 times and for me to let it go cause my aunt is hurting so bad. WHAT ABOUT ME??? And my neice and cousins daughter? He was a very mean man when my mom was married to him and I always feared him but, have been around him the last 10 years for family events. I am now being made out to be the bad one cause i told my aunt. I am going nuts!!!!

Jul 27, 2009 3:33 PM

Guest :

I am 41 years old I was molested by my aunts boyfriend when I was 5 I tried to tell my mom and aunt and noone believed me. The abuse continued with me and the monster went on to molest other family members and ruin other lives. I had everything locked in a box deep inside my soul until 5 days ago when he was caught molesting another little girl and arrested(he is one of my favorite cousins father). I cannot allow him to get out but don't want to hurt my cousin he doesn't know what his father did to me. I had it all locked away I don't know if I can survive going through this or how I will come out after all is said and done. But I cannot let this monster ruin anymore lives. I don't know what to do.

Jul 27, 2009 8:15 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm so sorry this happened to you -- and I'm talking to the last two guests who commented, as well as everyone who is reading but not sharing. I'm sorry that it took me this long to respond to the July 20 guest -- I missed your comment.

You are not the "bad" person for talking about the man who abused you. You are not the one who should be ashamed, ostracized, or treated poorly. You are NOT the one who is ruining people's lives -- whether it's the kids of the abuser, the wife of the abuser, or the abuser himself.

This was not your fault, and you need to realize that. You also need to start talking about how you were abused -- because the more you hide it, the worse it gets. It doesn't go away if you lock it away, or if the abuser admits it and apologizes.

It only goes away if you can face it head on. You need to go to counseling, talk it through, and figure out how to accept that this horrible thing happened to you. You need to learn to live with it....and you can't live with it by pushing it away.

It doesn't matter if people believe you or not. You know what happened, and you must tell people about it. It's a risk, it requires courage, but it has to be done -- for your sanity, and to protect other victims! You can't control what he does from now on, but you can open up about what he did to you.

Please go and talk to an abuse counselor. Don't continue to wrestle with this alone, and don't hide it anymore. Find people who believe you, whom you trust, and who support you.

Best wishes, and feel free to come back anytime.

Laurie

Aug 28, 2009 10:30 AM

Guest :

all i really want to know is, if your were abused for lets say atleast 10 years as a child how does that effect a normal heathy sex life as an adult. ive delt with all my troubles for the most part and im still working on making me a better me but i just cant seem to get aroused easily by my husband, i feel like i would rather be doing other things i dislike forplay and intercouse is pleasurable when i finely do it but i just dont care for it and it drives my husband mad that i could go months withou wanting to. is this normal and is there anything i can do. i really would like to enjoy sex.

Aug 28, 2009 3:58 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

Being abused affects different people in different ways, depending on so many different factors: personality, circumstances of the abuse, who the abuser was, how long it lasted, where it happened, etc. I don't think there's a usual way it affects the survivor's adult relationships.

Have you talked to a counselor or therapist about overcoming your abuse? Another possibility is talking to a sex therapist who specializes in abuse.

You may have a low libido. Everyone has different levels of libido -- some people could go for years without thinking about intimacy! Other people think about it all day long. Of course, those are extreme opposite ends of the wide range of feelings about intimacy.

The goal in a healthy marriage or relationship is to meet halfway. That is if you feel like being intimate once a month and your husband wants intimacy once a day, then you need to meet in the middle! But, you can't be forcing yourself to do it, or feeling pressured to do it. You need to find ways to WANT to do it....which is where a sex therapist can really come in handy! She or he can help you figure out how to increase your libido naturally, how to want to be intimate with your husband. Remember -- physical intimacy is also emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and intellectual intimacy! It's not just about our physical bodies.

So, I encourage you to deal with whatever is holding you back. If it's the abuse, then talk to a counselor or therapist. If it's simply a low libido, consider reading books about physical intimacy or talk to a sex therapist. Dr Trina Read wrote a great book called "Till Sex Do Us Part" -- it's all about increasing emotional and physical intimacy in marriage.

I'm glad you want to enjoy that aspect of your marriage! That's the first step to actually enjoying it :-) But, you may just need to reach out for support. Involve your husband -- he might be thrilled to learn that you're taking matters into your own hands! What have you got to lose? (besides the embarrassment of talking to a therapist -- but trust me, they do it all the time. It's like going to the doctor, they've seen it all and it's their JOB).

Best wishes,

Laurie

Aug 30, 2009 1:13 PM

Guest :

i was molested by one of my dad's friend when i was 7 and then by my aunt when i was 9 or 10 i bloked all those memories for 25 years, when my daughther turn 7 it was like all coming back to me is like i can see my self on her innocent face i become an over protecting mom, i was always worried something bad was going to happen to kids my son was 15 and i can never trusting him going anywhere without me.my husband could not get why i was always worry for them, I got so depressed could not sleep and i was always ungry or sad,also feel bad because despited of having everything i needed to be happy i always find a reason to be sad,i finally coud not take it anymore and told my husband this was this firts time i told anyone it feel like a big weight was liffed from my back,then i told my sister and my best friend ,and i told my son by now he was 17 and made such a different on our relationship now he is not so upset when i'm worry to much about where he is going and stuff like that he knows why,the only thing i'm worry is if i hurt him by telling something like this,do i needed to wait untill he was older? i'm not sure.

Aug 30, 2009 9:07 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

You made the best decision you could at the time, to tell your son. It made sense to you to tell him, so don't beat yourself up over it! He will be able to deal with it -- it's probably just overwhelming and awkward for him right now. Abuse is a huge thing to digest.

I suggest finding resources to help him deal with the information. A resource to help teens deal with abuse would be good, such as a book or information from a website that specializes in teens coping with abuse. I know it didn't happen to him, but those sites that specialize in teen abuse will also have information for helping kids adjust to news like this. Childhelp.org is a good place to start.

Have you seen a counselor, to help you deal with the abuse? I highly recommend it! It's great to talk about it with your family, but it's also important to get support from a trained therapist. She or he will also have suggestions for helping your son cope. Call your family doctor for a referral, or look for a counselor in your area. You could contact a local distress line -- they might have suggestions for specific counselors.

Your son might not be thrilled about the idea of seeing a counselor, but it might be really helpful for him. Even if he doesn't want to go, it's probably still be a good idea for you. Surviving abuse is a major thing in life, and it's good to get all the support you can!

I wish you all the best...I hope you find the help you need, and that your son finds his way back to your old, good relationship. He will...it just takes time and a little support!

Laurie

Sep 2, 2009 7:19 PM

Guest :

im not ready to talk but i want to. iv had years of drug abuse and my childhood is filled with many types of abuse. i love my family and understand life was hard for them. some of them to this day deny what took place. i have vague recolections that surface during times of loss. i am an artist thru and thru since i was a child, it was passed to me and i passed this to my children who r without a doubt true artists themselves. this puts me at odds because of the way i interperate the world.i have horrible night terrors that anyone that knows me can attest to. i force myself to endure them without screaming i fight paranoia, i force myself to look at the most horrible things till im absolutely disgusted with myself and the world. its like getting to know the enemy. some time ago i found a pic on the net that looked just like me at that age. there was a girl there too. we used to play together. i remember pictures being taken. she moved or something and ive had this fear since then. after that i started playing this game of hiding from adults because if they saw me they would eat me. as an adult i have no fear of myself other then this newest round of suicidal thoughts. im a good man iv raised 2 beautifull intelligent and talented daughters. the women i love in my life and my art are the only things keeping me up and moving. now that my kids are gone along with my girl i do nothing but dwell on my loss and these images that have resurfaced. im alone all the time at work and at home. i dont know what to do and i dont want to hear go get help. or get over it. im trying to figure out a way to tell somebody but it all seems to be a deadend. all i want is a little hope and not to be judged for the way i am because of this. i am overprotective and overly cautious and i get severe seperation anxiety. i dont know what else to say. thank you for having this site up.

Sep 17, 2009 7:29 AM

Guest :

I was abused when I was a child along with my 2 brothers by are father but the worst thing is I dont remember I know its something good not to remember but honestly I go through life wondering was I realy asbused is someone lying to me my older brother says we made it up and my father said he would never have done that and my mother says he did I dont enjoy going through life trying to remember if i was abused but it just doesnt go away i want closher I want the truth but im never gonna get it please if someone knows how to bring the truth out please help me find it

Sep 17, 2009 8:35 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m sorry you’re going through this uncertainty and struggle – it’s difficult to deal with something that you can’t even recall happening! Especially something as serious as abuse, and especially when your own parents say totally different things.

The way I see it, you have 2 options – and I went into detail about those possibilities on my Psychology blog. It’s too long to post here, and I wanted to give you some resources for dealing with abusive relationships.

To read that post, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships” – it’s in the September, 2009 section on the side panel. (I can’t post live links or url’s here).

Please read the options I describe, and let me know what you think, either there or here. And, look through the other articles about dealing with abuse that I posted – they might help!

I wish you all the best,
Laurie

Sep 28, 2009 10:28 AM

Guest :

I at the age of 4 was sexually abused from a family member that was indeed very dear to my family. It went on for years and years and I have never told anyone. I had hate and all other emotions considering he was always around. I am 24 years old now and have been able to have a family of my own and finally opened up and decided not to stay silent anymore. I told my mother, which then went into rage and comforted me. We went to his house and infront of his wife and grown 30yr old daughter decided to unmask him and made him admit it. He did...and from all of that I felt hurt for his daughter and wife...but as a person it has helped me with the burden that I had carried on for so long. I give my advice to anyone that has had my sistuation happen to them...I would tell them do what I did or do it sooner. I will carry this with me, but at least I don't have to be around him anymore nor to I have to act fake like everything is okay. This only makes me stronger (for my children)

Oct 3, 2009 8:34 PM

Guest :

I had aunts (I was told) digging my annus being constipated for I was fed with rice water from 2 months to 1 year of age. At 20 a previous 3-month boyfriend I had told I planned to continue studying and didn't want to date anymore, decided to penetrate forcefully and I had no reflexes or no anticipation at all to stop him (I thought I had to marry him and didn't tell anyone, maybe that is the shame element, but once I asked him to tell the priest what had happened and that man said when there is no willingness nor love, no marriage should take place). A new need emerges and I was allowed to have sex with another boyfriend (being a Catholic) until I asked him when marriage would take place. I'm divorced now. For a long time I thought I had no defense reactions because I was a Cath, and it now seems to have been caused by the "molestation". A one-time relation in between with a man I liked a lot helped forget the ex-boyfriends conscious action to bread the imen. Now my daughters left, studying or married and I feel I cannot do it alone. I'm a good University teacher, I love my job, but find it hard to accept people with little manners or education, and I can read from the articles that It is a depression that I must have always had and didn't notice. Would it be a good idea to marry again? or is this lone feeling -and sexual urge a result of the baby molestation? Thank you in advance.

Oct 3, 2009 9:16 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story – I’m glad you’re starting to think about how your childhood experiences could be affecting your adult life!

However, I’m afraid this is too complex for a comments section on a psychology article. I can’t even guess what could be going on, because there are too many possibilities and unknowns. I suggest you talk to a psychologist, who can help you sort out whether you should marry again and how your past affects your current relationships.

Try calling a few psychologists or counselors in your area. Don’t commit to the first one you find; instead, take advantage of their free “informational interview” (most therapists offer a free first visit) and find out if that therapist is a fit for you. Make sure you feel comfortable with him or her before you start a formal relationship.

A psychologist or counselor will help you sort through your issues and get to the root of what could be bothering you!

I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Oct 4, 2009 1:14 PM

Guest :

I was sexually molested as a young child by my cousin and my older brother on multiple occassions, at different times. I was also raped by a classmate at age 15. It has been more than 20 years now, and I have forgiven them for what they have done to me, but of course the horrible memories are still there. I, like many of the other comments state, have very few childhood memories. The amazing thing for me is that in forgiving them and knowing that what happened was not my fault and knowing that there is something wrong with them, has lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. The only thing I fear is they all have kids of their own today. I can only pray that they have learned from their mistakes and that by me forgiving them and not saying anything has shown them they have been given a second chance and that they are better people because I have not allowed this to ruin our family.

My husband knows about everything and cannot understand how I can so easily forgive them, but for me it is easier than allowing it (them) to control my life. We see them at family gatherings and it has taken many years, but I can actually hug my brother now and not feel really yucky. He was sick for what he did, but as I stated before I pray he is a better person today.

Something I struggle with today, is that I tend to get myself in situations where other men (mostly friends) force themselves on me. I have always frozen when this happens, until recently, I had a man do this to me, and for the 1st time ever, I was able to scream no and get away, it was the greatest feeling ever. I am a rather friendly person and have a hard time saying no, and tend to try to be a crowd pleaser. Is this a long term effect of what happened to me when I was a child? I try to understand why I can't just back away and say no, why do I just fresze? How do I get myself in these situations? I pray I can be strong again the next time I am approached, it really felt great to say no and feel like I was in control.

Oct 4, 2009 11:23 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m so sorry for what happened to you – but congratulations on your new found strength! Good for you. The more you say no and take control, the more empowered you’ll feel.

Have you ever taken any self-defense classes? That might be a good way to increase your feelings of strength and control. Even if you never find yourself in a situation like that again, it’s a great feeling to know you can take care of yourself if you need to.

If you haven’t had counseling to help you figure out the answers to the questions you asked, I ask you to think about it. I don’t know the answers to your questions and can’t even speculate….but a therapist or counselor would be able to help you understand yourself.

I wish you all the best,
Laurie

Oct 15, 2009 10:13 AM

Guest :

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now and he just opened up to me about him being a victim of child molestation. He was not ready to give me details, but did mention that is is the reason for why he has difficulties communicating with me effectively and becoming emotionally intimate with me among other issues. He has been sing a professional about his issues.He immediately assumed that I did not want to continue on in our relationship and feel like he has been a major disappointment to me, which I have told him is not the case. I love him ans want to support him in any way that I can. I feel like he is trying to break up with me out of embarrassment ans shame of his past and how it affects his present. I am unsure of how to approach this situation. I would like to know if there is any information on dating a person that is a victim of child molestation or what can I do to be a better support system now that I am aware of this information. Thank You

Oct 20, 2009 4:27 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear your boyfriend was a victim of sexual abuse, but glad that he’s getting help! It’s especially good that he’s seeing a therapist.

I found some information on what to do when your partner was abused. Unfortunately I can’t post live links here, but if you Google “What to do for Partners of Survivors of Rape and Childhood Sexual Abuse”, you should find a website called “Partners of Survivors of Sexual Abuse.”

I also suggest searching for the more general “partners sexual abuse survivors”, and seeing what websites pop up.

Also, call your local abuse hotline or distress line. They may have more information about resources in your area, such as support groups, workshops, or lectures. They may also be able to give you specific information about dating a man with emotional health issues.

Finally, I have written a post for my Psychology called “Resources for Helping People With Psychological Disorders” and it lists articles about helping someone who is dealing with emotional health issues.

To read that post, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “Resources for Helping People With Psychological Disorders” – you’ll also find it in the July, 2009 section on the side panel.

I hope this helps, I wish you all the best with your boyfriend.

Laurie

Oct 20, 2009 6:47 PM

Guest :

I was sexually molested at age 4 up to age 12 0r 13.It was by a step uncle, step cousin and another step uncle. I never told my step grandmother who was raising me or anyone for that matter as a child. I dont know why, I cant remember being threatened. Only thing I can say is that I was physically and mentally abused by my step grandmother who even called me words like slut, whore, so I believe that I could not share the worst time of my life with her, because even as a young 4yr old, she for some reason hated me. It affects me today,but I can tell people I am comfortable around. I believe at the times of being with my predator I was able to walk away and block it out instantly, or I thought it was normal, that part I am not sure of. I know today It from time to time will come back to me. I walked into a bar a yr ago (I am 46 now) and sure enough one of my predators was there, I ordered a beer, he turns to me, and says, "Remember the good ole days" I felt like I went into shock right then, I clammed up, took a one sip of my beer, set it down and walked out of the bar. Why oh why did I not knock him in the head with that beer bottle, then walk out...I am so mad at myself for not letting him have it. He's probably 15 or 20 yrs older then me. This guy..DAN M. was in jail for molesting his own step daughter for yrs. And his wife took him back when he got out of jail...sicko! At the bar he acted like it was something I should of been proud of...I was just a child then! I am so mad at myself for not walking back in that bar and clobbering him in the head, Guess if I would and if the law wouldve showed up, he would have been the one looking like an ass for what he did to me and later in life saying what he said to me! Grrr, thinking about it at this moment ticks me off to no end. And I am really seeing something inside me that tells me anytime I think of this it will remind me of all that anger that was put on me from perv's in this world!